In their new book “Getting to 50/50: How Working Couples Can Have It All by Sharing It All”, two Silicon Valley professionals argue that working women don’t need to hop on the “mommy track” or opt out of fulfilling careers once they have kids. Many can keep fast-tracking it at work–if their husbands pick up the slack at home and companies stop demanding constant face time at the office and unnecessary business trips.
You’d think this hot-button book would be sparking lots of national discussion. It seems particularly relevant now, as the recession puts more of a spotlight on the benefits of two-income families (see this piece in the New York Times on Sunday, and this more incendiary one from San Francisco magazine last year). If one spouse loses a job, it’s pretty helpful if the other remains employed.
Judging from the popular reception to “50/50”, though, age-old stereotypes about women’s roles die hard. The book’s core thesis–that women’s jobs are not inherently less valuable then men’s, and dads can do just as good a job at home as moms, if given a chance—hasn’t really caught on in a big way.
The idea “goes against this Venus/Mars plotline,” and the entrenched cultural conventions about marriage and motherhood so many people take for granted, says Sharon Meers, a former Goldman Sachs managing director who left the firm in 2005 to write the book. I met her in December at a high-octane cocktail party for Silicon Valley women in technology. Guests included hotshots like Facebook’s Sheryl Sandberg and Accel Partners’ Theresia Gouw Ranzetta—two women who also happen to have small children. (Did anyone ask their husbands, after they had kids, “So, are you going to stay home now, or work part-time?”)
The occasional role model aside, it’s clear the 50/50 domestic situation promoted in the book is not reality for most working women. And that inequality has a cascading effect, Meers and co-author Joanna Strober say: Employers see women shouldering most of the childcare and household burdens and assume that even top-performing women can’t focus on their jobs they way men can. The book points out that if a woman only stays home half the time a child is sick–or goes to half the soccer games that start at 5 p.m.–she’d be available more often for that offsite meeting or deadline work. Dads can step up.
Meers and Strober, a private-equity executive now with Sterling Stamos Capital Management, say some women unwittingly promote the old-school mindset. They crack jokes about how their husbands can’t change a diaper or get the baby to bed on time when they’re out. (More Venus/Mars.) Women wind up bossing their husbands around when they do try to help out, assuming moms are the masters of the domestic universe and no one else can figure out how the household ticks. That makes men less enthusiastic about vacuuming and picking up the kids from school. Lesson: lighten up, ladies.
The press attention to the book thus far is revealing. Meers and Strober seemed to stun “Today” show anchor Ann Curry when they appeared on the program last February, shortly before their book went on sale. Curry almost fell out of her chair at one point as she asked incredulously, “You mean there’s no evidence that children are damaged because their parents are not at home?”
Actually, that’s true: A massive, 2006 study by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, cited in the book, found that children who were cared for solely by their mothers fared no better, in terms of cognitive skills, language and behavior, than kids in outside childcare.
A book review in the Financial Times last year derided Meers’ and Strober’s advice to divvy up household chores more equitably, saying alpha males will be alpha males and women should just hire a cleaning lady. (To be fair, the book got more sympathetic mentions from Time, USA Today and Elle magazine.)
I do think “Getting to 50/50” glosses over some of the immense challenges families face caring for young children while both spouses hold down demanding jobs, even in marriages where men do dishes and midnight feedings. The stress involved in that lifestyle can be overwhelming at times, particularly for people who can’t afford domestic help. Many women simply prefer to stay at home with their kids, a choice Meers and Strober say they respect.
The book makes the argument that working women can find smart ways to petition bosses for more flexible work environments—opting out of silly meetings and client dinners, for example. Men should put bosses on notice that they, too, reject a 24/7 work cycle as compatible with parenthood. Those changes would go a long way toward easing two-career family stress. True enough. But while Meers says the principles in the book apply to women at all economic levels, I have to think job flexibility is probably a little easier if you’re a partner at a law firm than a waitress at a diner.
The “have it all” tagline in the book’s title also seems misleading. “50/50” offers lots of anecdotes about women who have kept their careers on track by working reduced hours for a few years, until their kids were older. Clearly, job sacrifices sometimes have to be made. But the book’s message—that women shouldn’t be the ones making all the sacrifices—is a salient one I think many people are still hesitant to address.
Corporations seem to understand this problem. Meers told me most of the sales of “50/50” have come from companies and academics. “Big companies know they have a big challenges,” she says, because they are losing too many talented women once they become mothers. She’s been asked to speak to packed crowds at companies like Google and Microsoft, where more than 50% of the audiences have been male, she says.
Maybe more flexible and family-friendly workplaces will prod more men to do their share at home, and encourage women to let them. As the rocky economy continues to upend so many families and torpedo jobs, couples may have little choice but to rethink traditional roles and approach work and family more equitably.
